Many of those who marry show tensions and problems in their marriage. Hans Asperger (1944)
Many men and women with AS develop intimate personal relationships and become life-long partners. For such relationships to begin, both parties would have initially found the other person to be attractive.
CHOICE OF PARTNER
Men with AS have several positive attributes for a prospective partner. The first meeting may be through a shared interest. Many women describe their first impression as someone who is kind, attentive, and slightly immature: the highly desirable ‘handsome and silent stranger’. Children with AS are often perceived as having angelic faces, and as adults, may have symmetrical facial features that are aesthetically appealing. The lack of social and conversational skills can lead to his being perceived as the ‘silent stranger’, whose social abilities will be unlocked and transformed by a partner who is an expert in empathy and socializing. There can be strong maternal compassion for the person’s limited social abilities and a belief that his social confusion and lack of social confidence were due to his circumstances as a child, and can be repaired over time. Love will change everything.
The attractiveness can be enhanced by his intellectual abilities, career prospects and degree of attention to his partner during courtship. The devotion can be very flattering, though others may perceive the adulation as bordering on obsessive. The hobby or special interest can initially be perceived as endearing and ‘typical of boys and men’. They may have an appealing ‘Peter Pan’ quality.
Men with AS can also be admired for speaking their minds, having a sense of social justice, and having strong moral convictions. They are often described as having ‘old world’ values and being less motivated than other men for physically intimate activities, or for spending time with male friends. He appears to have a ‘feminine’ rather than a ‘macho’ quality – the ideal partner for the modern woman.
He is usually a late developer in terms of emotional and relationship maturity, and this could be his first serious relationship, while his same-age peers have had several long-term relationships already. There is, therefore, the advantage of no previous relationship ‘baggage’.
Many women describe how their partner with AS resembled their father. Having a parent with AS may contribute towards determining the type of person you choose to become your partner.
When men with AS are asked what was initially appealing about their partner, they often describe one physical quality, such as hair, or specific personality characteristics, especially being maternal in looking after (or already having) children, or caring for injured animals. Men with AS are often less concerned about their partner’s physique than other men, and also less concerned about age or cultural differences.
Sometimes, they appear to have created a mental ‘job description’ for a prospective partner, searching for a suitable ‘applicant’ that can compensate for recognized difficulties in life. Once a candidate has been found, that person is pursued with a determination that can be hard to resist. One of the ‘job requirements’ is having advanced social and maternal abilities – someone who is at the opposite end of the empathy and social understanding continuum. They may know they need a partner who can act as an executive secretary to help with organizational problems and continue many of the emotional support functions provided by their mother when they were living at home. Men with AS often elicit strong maternal feelings in women and know what they need in a partner. They also seek someone who has strong moral values, and who, once married, is likely to be dedicated to making the relationship succeed.
What is it that typical men find attractive in a woman with AS? They are similar to those women who find appealing in a man with AS – the woman’s social immaturity and naivety can be appealing who have natural paternal and compassionate qualities. The sometimes emotionally aloof personality may be reminiscent of the man’s mother. While men with AS tend to seek a partner who can compensate for their difficulties in daily life – that is someone from the other end of the continuum of social and emotional abilities – women with AS often seek a partner with a personality similar to themselves. They feel more comfortable with someone who does not have a great social life and does not seek frequent physical intimacy. With similar characteristics and expectations, the relationship can be successful and enduring.
Unfortunately, people with AS may not be very good at identifying the ‘predators’ in life, and some women have not been wise in their choice of partner, suffering various forms of abuse. They may initially feel sorry for the man but are unable to extricate themselves from a history of being attractive to and attracted to disreputable characters. Having low self-esteem can also affect their choice. They set their expectations very low and as a result gravitate toward abusive people. Self-esteem is very important to an autistic adult.
The courtship may not indicate the problems that develop later. The person with AS may not have developed a superficial expertise in romance and dating and by mimicking actors and using the script from TV and films. Some explain that they never saw the real person before they were married, and after the wedding, the person abandoned the persona that was previously so attractive. “He had won the prize and didn’t have to pretend anymore.”
Often, what was enduring at the start later becomes a problem. The initial optimism that the partner with AS will mature and become more socially mature can dissolve into despair when social skills are static due to limited motivation to be more sociable. This can be due to the intellectual effort needed to socialize, subsequent exhaustion, and a fear of making a social mistake. Joint social contact with friends can slowly diminish. The partner with AS does not need the same degree of social contact they enjoyed as a couple when courting. The non-AS partner may reluctantly agree to reduce the frequency and duration of social contact with family, friends and colleagues for the sake of the relationship.
The most common problem for the non-AS partner is feeling lonely. The partner with AS can be content with their own company for long periods. Conversations can be few and primarily involve the exchange of information rather than the enjoyment of each other’s company, experiences and shared opinions. “My pleasure doesn’t come from an emotional and interpersonal exchange.”
In a typical relationship, there is the expectation of regular expressions of love and affection. An AS man explained “I have an enormous difficulty with the verbal expression of affection. It is not the case of feeling embarrassed or self-conscious, but it simply takes a great deal of effort to tell my wife how I feel about her.” His wife replied “He told me once that he loved me. I have since discovered that it is not necessary for the person with AS t repeat these small intimacies that are frequently part of a relationship – the fact has been stated once, and that is enough.
For the person with AS, the frequent reiteration of the obvious or known facts is illogical. The non-AS partner suffers affection deprivation that may lead to low self-esteem and depression. The partner with AS wants to be a friend and a lover but has little idea of how to do either.
One survey of women with an AS partner asked “Does your partner love you?” and 50% replied, “I don’t know”. What was missing in the relationship were daily words and gestures of affection, tangible expressions of love. Difficulties expressing emotion include love. When a partner said to her AS husband, “You never show you care,” he replied, “Well, I fixed the fence, didn’t I?” expressing their love in more practical terms. It is love, but not as we know it.
A metaphor for the need and capacity for affection can be that typical people have a bucket, whereas people with AS have a cup that is quickly filled to capacity. However, in some relationships, the person with AS expresses affection too frequently, possibly an aspect of anxiety and a need for maternal reassurance. “We feel and show affection but not enough and at the wrong intensity.” The person with AS can be overly detached or attached.
During times of personal distress, the typical partner may be left alone to ‘get over it.’ This is not a callous act but in their mind, the most effective emotional restorative is solitude. A hug may not automatically make them feel better. Being alone is often the main emotional recovery mechanism for people with AS and they may assume that is also the case for their partner. They may also not know how to respond or fear making the situation worse.
There may be issues with sexual intimacy or even knowledge of sexuality. Women may have difficulty having a romantic relationship with someone they often have to ‘mother.’
In modern Western society, women are no longer content with their partner just being the provider of income, but expect them to share the workload at home doing domestic chores and caring for the children, and to be their best friend in conversation, sharing experiences and emotional support. This may not be easy for the AS partner to achieve.
Anxiety and its management can affect the relationship. They can become very controlling with family life based on rigid routines. They can impose their pronouncements without consultation with their typical partner, who resents being excluded from major decisions, such as relocation or change of career.
For those adults with AS who have problems with executive function, the typical partner may have to take responsibility for the family finances, budgeting and resolving the organizational and interpersonal problems in their partner’s work situation. This adds to the stress and responsibility of the typical partner.
If there is disagreement and conflict, the AS partner may not be skilled in the art of negotiation, accepting alternative perspectives or agreeing to compromise and an inability to accept even partial responsibility. Partners complain, “It’s never his fault”, I always get the blame” and “I’m always criticized, I’m never encouraged.” There can be concerns about verbal abuse, especially as a response to perceived criticism, with an apparent inability to show remorse and to forgive and forget due to a difficulty with understanding the thoughts, feelings and perspective of others, a central characteristic of AS. The person with AS may also have problems with anger management that further complicates the relationship.
The relationship often has very different health effects for each partner. Most men with AS feel that their mental and physical health has significantly improved due to the relationship, with less stress and would prefer to be in the relationship than alone. In contrast, the overwhelming majority of non-AS partners state that their mental health and physical health had significantly deteriorated due to the relationship. They feel emotionally exhausted and neglected, and many reported clinical depression. This explains the perception of many partners with AS that the relationship is just fine, and they can’t understand why their relationship skills are criticized. Their partner feels more like a housekeeper, accountant and mother figure.
STRATEGIES TO STRENGTHEN THE RELATIONSHIP
Many typical partners have a great commitment to the relationship. Among their many attributes are belief in their partner, remaining faithful to the relationship and an ability to imagine and have compassion for what it must be like to have Asperger’s syndrome.
There are three requisites for a successful relationship.
The first is that both partners acknowledge the diagnosis. The non-Asperger’s partner may be the first to accomplish this and no longer feel self-blame or insane. Family and friends can validate and understand the circumstances. They tend to feel better able to cope on a day-to-day basis.
The AS partner may then be able to recognize the relationship’s strengths and weaknesses, the dawn of realizing how their behaviour and attitudes affect their partners, and a greater sense of cooperation to identify changes to improve the relationship and mutual understanding.
The second requisite is the motivation for both partners to change and learn. The non-AS partner may already have a more flexible attitude to change and a foundation of considerable relationship skills.
The third requisite is access to relationship counselling, modified to accommodate the profile of the partner with AS, and a willingness to implement suggestions from specialists, the relevant literature and support groups. Counselling needs to accommodate empathy, self-insight, self-disclosure, the communication of emotions, and previous relationship experiences.
Diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome in early childhood and subsequent guidance throughout childhood in the development of friendship and relationship abilities makes relationships much more likely to be successful. Such individuals have spent a lifetime knowing they are different. Developing camouflaging and compensatory mechanisms may contribute to some social success at a superficial level but can be detrimental to an intimate relationship with a partner. Hopefully, the new generation of children and adolescents who have had the advantage of a diagnosis and understanding by themselves, relatives and friends are more likely to have a successful long-term relationship that is mutually satisfying.
Once the diagnosis is accepted by the family, there can be greater emotional support from close family members and friends of the non-AS partner. A network of friends can reduce the sense of isolation, and learn to re-experience the enjoyment of social occasions, perhaps without the presence of the AS partner. They should not feel guilty if their partner is not there. Having a special friend with an intuitive ability to repair emotions can become a soul mate to provide empathy. An occasional escape or holiday with friends can also provide an opportunity to regain confidence in social abilities and rapport. A positive attitude is also of paramount importance. “When life gives you a lemon, make lemonade.”
HAVING A PARENT WITH ASPERGER’S SYNDROME
The parent with AS probably has little understanding of the needs and behaviour of typical children and adolescents. Their partner may feel as if they are effectively a solo parent. The family often has to accommodate the imposition of inflexible routines and expectations of behaviour, the intolerance of noise, mess and any intrusion into the parent’s solitary activities, perceived ‘invasion’ of the home by the children’s friends, and a black and white analysis of people. The parent with AS usually needs reassurance but may rarely reassure family members has little interest in events of emotional significance to others, and can often criticize but rarely compliment. The emotional atmosphere can be affected by negativism, causing tension and dampening the enthusiasm of others. The family are all too aware of quick mood changes, especially sudden rage, and try not to antagonize the person due to fear of the intense emotional reaction.
A mild expression of such behaviour and attitudes can be excused by family and society as typical of some men, but society has different expectations of mothers. A mother is expected to have an instinctual ability to nurture and meet the emotional needs of children, which may not be as reliable as a mother with AS. They may have limited maternal instincts. Single pregnant women may put the baby up for adoption.
However, a mother or father with AS can learn how to become a good parent through reading and guidance and can understand the development and needs of their children and become exemplary parents. The parent needs to recognize the need for guidance and the need for advice. The typical parent needs to be perceived as the resident expert.
Each child will have their own way of coping with an Asperger’s parent. They can sometimes feel that they are invisible or a nuisance and feel deprived of the acceptance, reassurance, encouragement and love that they expect and need. They may feel never loved by their father and when affection is given, the feeling may be ‘cold’ and may not be comforting. The child only feels valued for their achievements, not for themselves. Conversations may be a prolonged monologue of the adult’s own problems, with only a brief and superficial interest in the child’s problems. The child learns not to express emotions such as distress or to expect compassion. There can be embarrassment with regard to how the parent affects the development of friendships.
There are several coping mechanisms. The lack of affection, encouragement, and high expectations can result in the child becoming an adult who is a high achiever, as an attempt to eventually experience the parental adulation that is missing throughout childhood. Another mechanism is to escape by spending time with the families of friends, and leaving home as soon as possible, preferably some distance away and avoiding family reunions. Another reaction can be intense hatred for not being the parent the child needs. The child may encourage the non-AS parent to seek a divorce, but separation is not easy, since the partner with AS probably could not cope, practically or emotionally, alone.
When children become adults and recognize that their parents had AS, they may finally understand the personality, abilities and motives of their mother or father. They may explain, “I never felt loved by my father. The diagnosis has enabled me to love and accept my family and remove their ability to hurt me emotionally.”
There can be a natural bond, or antagonism, between a parent and child who both have Asperger’s syndrome. Liane Holliday Willey has a very close and supportive relationship with her father. He recognized that his daughter would need to acquire the knowledge he had learned about people, socializing and conversations. He became her social mentor, with daily advice on what to do and say in social situations. Father and daughter understood and respected each other’s perspectives and experiences. This is not always the case. The enforced proximity of two inflexible and dominating characters with AS can lead to animosity and arguments. The non-AS parent becomes an experienced diplomat, trying to ‘keep the peace’ and facing the problems of conflicting loyalties. It can be like having two magnets – they either attract or repel each other.
In Liane Holliday Willey’s family, AS has occurred in some family members in each generation. She has a daughter with AS and her father has some of the associated characteristics. Liane’s family have a very positive attitude towards Asperger’s syndrome:
“In our family, we always encourage our aspie to realize she is filled to the brim with admirable traits and powerful abilities, yet we are equally as faithful in trying to get her to be aware of her social, emotional and cognitive inefficiencies. Keeping the balance of the power such that we help her with academic and affective strategies geared to help her turn her inefficiencies into firm proficiencies. Our goal is to help our daughter do what my father and I were able to do, join the world on its terms without losing sight of who we are and what we need. (Willey 2001)
COPING WITH a PARTNER’S ASPERGER SYNDROME
Understanding your partner with Asperger’s syndrome can be difficult or seemingly impossible at times. Making better connections can lead to a happier, healthier relationship.
It takes a lot of work to make a marriage or other long-term relationship a success. And when one partner has Asperger’s syndrome, the relationship can be even more of a challenge. Given that Asperger’s may make emotional connections and social communication difficult, it’s no wonder that a partnership between a person with Asperger’s syndrome and someone without it can be filled with stress, misunderstandings, and frustration.
To understand how Asperger’s can create such angst in a relationship, it’s important to know how people with it are affected. Asperger’s syndrome is a developmental disorder that is part of the autism spectrum. It is considered a high-functioning autism spectrum disorder. Recent statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) show that one in 68 American children born today has some sort of autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Another study published on CDC also shows that ASD is over four times more likely to be diagnosed in males than females.
People with classic autism can have severe impairments in language development and the ability to relate to others. Those with Asperger’s syndrome are affected to a lesser degree but often have difficulties connecting on a social and emotional level. They have a hard time reading verbal and nonverbal cues like body language and facial expressions and may have trouble making eye contact. They sometimes don’t pick up on “how” something was said, only on “what” was said. People with Asperger’s may also lack empathy, the ability to understand the feelings of others. They may unwittingly say or do inappropriate things that offend or hurt others’ feelings.
Though each person with Asperger’s syndrome is unique, some common characteristics include:
Above-average intelligence
A keen interest in or obsession with a particular subject — an unusual interest in trains, for example — and being a master on that subject
Having strict routines or rituals and having a hard time with change or transitions
Sensory issues
Because of these eccentricities and their lack of social skills, people with Asperger’s may make few friends and are often considered loners.
How Asperger’s Syndrome Impacts Relationships
Lack of empathy is one of the most challenging problems for someone with Asperger’s who is in a relationship. The non-Asperger member of the relationship gets angry and hurt by the partner’s lack of emotion and understanding, often saying things like, “You just don’t get it!” Because the person with Asperger’s does indeed “not get it,” he or she pulls away and gets angry and defensive. Over time, the emotional disconnect can chip away at the relationship. The non-Asperger’s partner often feels unloved, worn down, and depressed.
Asperger’s/non-Asperger’s couples also face several other challenges, including:
Sexual problems. Marshack says sex is one of the first things to fall apart in these relationships. Half of the problem arises from sensory issues, but the other half is the lack of empathy. People with Asperger’s can’t gauge what their partner enjoys (or does not enjoy) by reading their body language. Who wants to constantly talk their way through sex, saying things like, ‘Please put your hand here’?”
Strain during social settings. Because a person with Asperger’s syndrome has difficulty with social skills, the non-Asperger’s partner is always ready to swoop in and “save” his or her partner from embarrassment. Socializing can become simply too much work, and the couple stops doing it or the partners start living separate lives. Sometimes the Asperger’s partner abuses alcohol to lower inhibitions and feel more “normal” in social situations.
Parenting problems.
When children enter the picture, it’s often the demise of the relationship. The non-Asperger’s partner is often devastated by the lack of empathy shown to the child: The Asperger’s parent may ignore the child, make caustic comments, and not recognize when the child needs comfort. Sometimes the Asperger’s parent is overly strict or way too lenient, leaving much of the real parenting up to the non-Asperger’s partner. This sets up a parenting battlefield, even though both parents love the child.
Tim Bennett, a painter living in Great Britain, is in a long-term relationship with Tray, a woman with Asperger’s syndrome. Tray refuses to move out of her small one-bedroom apartment or share it with Tim even though the couple have a son together. Francis, age 6, also has Asperger’s and related behavioural issues. Bennett says that since he and Tray have vastly different parenting styles, they find it better to parent Francis separately to avoid conflict. Tray has a particularly hard time dealing with Francis’s behaviour and runs the risk of having a public meltdown if the child is difficult. On the upside, “she can enter into play with him in ways that I cannot, imaginatively creating worlds together,” Bennett says. “So we complement each other in many ways as parents.”
Asperger’s Syndrome: A Delayed Diagnosis
Jurintha Fallon also knows the difficulties of living with an Asperger’s partner. The stay-at-home mom of two teen boys in Connecticut says life with her husband, Rob, a successful computer engineer with Asperger’s syndrome, is “like riding a roller coaster 24/7 without being strapped in.”
Jurintha and Rob have been married for 20 years, but he was formally diagnosed just two years ago. She had long suspected something was different about Rob. Jurintha’s lightbulb moment came 11 years ago when her younger son was diagnosed with Asperger’s. “Our son’s behaviours and diagnosis are what quickly led me to believe my husband also had Asperger’s,” she says.
Jurintha describes Rob as functioning as an adult on an intellectual level but as a child on an emotional one. The couple has experienced many relationship pitfalls because of Asperger’s, but perhaps the most significant issue has been Rob’s lack of empathy, she says. This issue came to a head a few years ago when their older son had a life-threatening bicycle accident while staying with his grandparents in Maine. Jurintha and Rob were at a business event in Boston, but Rob didn’t want to leave to be at his son’s bedside. Rob believed his parents had the situation under control so it was unnecessary to make a 2.5-hour drive.
Jurintha finally convinced Rob that they had to go. “The first question my son asked was ‘Did you leave work right away to come up?’” Jurintha says. “I had to lie. Rob didn’t see how upset my younger son was and how exhausted his parents were either. He started working the next day.”
After that incident, Jurintha demanded that Rob see a psychologist to get an Asperger’s assessment. After the diagnosis, Rob started therapy, and he has made big strides in understanding how his Asperger’s affects the marriage. “I am very proud of him,” Jurintha says.
4 Ways to Cope When Your Partner Has Asperger’s Syndrome
For the most part, people with Asperger’s want to be loving partners and parents, but they need help learning how to do it, says Jurintha. Here’s how to make life a little easier for everyone:
Communicate your needs directly. Do this either verbally or in writing and without emotion. Don’t hint — they just won’t get it.
Set clear rules about parenting. The Asperger’s partner needs to agree to stop talking to or disciplining the child in certain situations if the non-Asperger’s parent says to. The Asperger’s partner might be missing something the other parent can pick up on. Discuss the situation as a couple and work out a solution.
Consider therapy. Start with individual therapy for both partners and then do couples therapy. Realize you can’t “fix” your partner, but education is the first step. Read everything you can about Asperger’s, and become an expert about the dynamics of your own relationship. Jurintha adds that therapy can help you learn to cope and do more than just survive the relationship.
Seek support. Consider joining a support group. One online option is Aspergers and Other Half, a support group for women whose partners have Asperger’s. Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults With ASD is another community for men and women who love an adult with Asperger’s.
Both Jurintha and Tim stress how much they love their partners and are committed to their relationships. “In the end, we love each other, we both know this and are learning to cope with each other,” Jurintha says. A little humour doesn’t hurt either. “We have a funny thing we say to each other: ‘You drive me crazy!’ ‘Ditto!’ It’s just as challenging for him to cope with me as it is to cope with him.”
