MY LIFE & ASPERGER’S
The brief autobiography above doesn’t say anything about Asperger’s syndrome. It gives the chronology of my life.
What follows are my signs and symptoms of AS and then reflect on my upbringing, education, career, and passions – those things I have set my mind to excel at. It also tries to show how Asperger’s thinking has affected my social interactions.
This results in an individualistic look at Asperger’s, the sort of accounts that I often could not relate to when reading other individuals’ stories. We are all individuals and on a spectrum of behaviour and skills. I hope it gives you some answers about how Asperger’s may affect you.
I believe Asperger’s has given me many advantages that I have been able to maximize through curiosity, ambition, and drive. If given the chance, I would not change anything.
MY ASPERGER’S BEHAVIOUR
The following neurobiological description of the autistic brain and behaviour are the views of David Rowland. They are very rigid – he thinks the diagnostic criteria are too loose and does not believe in a spectrum of severity or involvement. It is an all-or-none condition. Few clinicians would support his views, but I include them here to give that ‘side of the story’ as they reflect the underlying neurobiology present to some extent in all autistic brains.
In a neurotypical brain, the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) acts like an automatic transmission that seamlessly switches attention back and forth between frontal lobes, as required.
In autism, however, a dysfunctional ACC keeps the person trapped in his/her left frontal lobe, the intellectual, analytical, problem-solving part of the brain – with no ability to access the emotional/creative processing right frontal lobe, which plays a central role in spontaneity, social behaviour, and nonverbal abilities. Some neurotypical people are left-brain dominant whereas others are right-brain dominant. Autistic people, however, are left-brain exclusive.
Being left-brain exclusive means that one can only process his/her emotions intellectually, by deduction or inference, a process that can take about 24 hours. Failure to process emotions causes anxiety, which is an upsetting physiological response (different from emotion) that bypasses the intellect.
Dysfunction of the anterior cingulate cortex is the probable cause of hyperfocus, the state of intense single-minded concentration fixated on one thought pattern at a time, to the exclusion of everything else. Hyperfocus is so intensely single-minded that an autistic person cannot divide attention between two trains of thought. An autistic person takes everything you say literally because she/he cannot also be running a second mental program questioning how you use words.
While talking at length about a favourite topic, autistic people are incapable of running a second mental program asking how they are being received or perceived by their audience. Autistic people require structured activities because they cannot divide their attention between what they are doing and trying to figure out what may be about to happen next.
Hyperfocus also causes various kinds of sensory overload. A sudden loud or high-pitched noise switches hyperfocus to the noise, which the autistic person then experiences with many times the intensity than does a neurotypical person. Seeing too many words on a page can cause cognitive impairment whereby the autistic person’s mind goes disturbingly blank. Too many products on shelves and overhearing unwanted conversations in stores can trigger anxiety. Lighting displays in hardware stores can trigger anxiety. For some, hyperfocus exaggerates the sense of touch, making close-fitting clothing irritating and hugs unbearable.
Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) has 52 signs. These can be expressed to varying degrees and times in each individual. I will try to give a rating from one to five of each in an attempt to rate my Asperger’s – 0/5 indicates that I don’t do this at all, and 5/5 indicates I do it a lot. I appreciate that this is very subjective and prone to error and bias.
Social Traits
• Considers self to be an outsider. 4/5. Since high school, when I had my first memory of doing something that was Aspie, my life has generally been a social disaster.
• Lacks innate motivation to socialize. 1/5. I would love to be a “social animal”, the life of the party, but don’t know how. I would like to have more friends. But these pose enough problems that I don’t work very hard at them.
• Unaware of feelings, needs, and interests of others. 4/5. If someone annoys or irritates me, I can be very rude. Being overly kind and saying platitudes is not my strength.
• No awareness of how perceived by others. 1/5. Because of my social failures, I am very attuned to the response of other people to me. Most neurotypicals don’t show their feelings.
• Unaware of socially appropriate responses. 3/5 At times, I occasionally make a statement totally unrelated to what is happening in a conversation.
• Misses subtleties, unable to take hints. 1/5
• Unable to read body language. 1/5
• No awareness of flirting.1/5.As in reading body language and missing subtleties, I am very aware of people’s responses to me.
Relationships
• Failure to develop friendships. 3/5. I have never had more than 1 or 2 close friends all my life.
• Understands love intellectually but cannot feel love. 0/5. Like most neurotypicals, I go through all the phases of love in new relationships – the infatuation phase that may last up to a year (I am so aware of how hormonal this period is and not based on the reality that I do intellectualize it) – and then move onto the more mature love that develops over time.
• May understand empathy but not be able to feel it. 2/5. To be truly empathetic, one should have had personal experience with the issue. As a physician, I was able to learn to validate people’s issues, understand their concerns and empathize with them, but it was a learned response that I got better with over time.
• Cannot be emotionally available to others. 2/5
• Others cannot provide an emotional safety net. 1/5
In Conversation. With time, I have learned how to be a good conversationalist.
• Speaks factually with no trace of emotion. 4/5. First impressions are important in all social interactions. I tend to have a stern facial countenance, don’t smile as much as I should, and appear overly serious, or unhappy. That doesn’t reflect how I feel inside. Coupled with stating the truth rather than being kind is one of my most glaring Asperger’s traits and is one I have more recently become more aware of. But I have trouble with people who seem to laugh at everything they say, a neurotypical behaviour that is so common.
In retrospect, I will never become depressed or anxious. I feel incredibly blessed. I could not be more satisfied with how much life has turned out.
I have “smile deficiency”. My lack of a ready smile has only been mentioned to me once. On my 14-day Grand Canyon Rafting trip, there was a very intuitive woman from Whitefish Montana by the name of Joanne Swoop. She said to me one night “You have a wonderful smile, but we just don’t see it much. You should smile way more often”. I didn’t think about that much until recently, and have tried to smile readily – with great results – people respond very positively to a smile.
My attitude and feelings are far too often broadcast by my facial expression. If my first impression of someone is not excited or has that “spark” of interest, I believe that it shows on my face. I am unable to hide my feelings. I don’t suffer fools gladly. So if someone says something that shows little intelligence, I often show it, and then worse, express it verbally.
• Takes everything literally. 0/5.
• Easier to monologue than dialogue. 2/5. I am very aware of this. I don’t like conversing with people who turn every conversation back to themselves. And I have learned to not do this. Because of my extensive travel, and wide-ranging experiences and as I am well-read on news and current events, I often do have something to say about almost anything. I frequently try to show curiosity about other people’s experiences.
• Oblivious to the motivations of others while they are speaking. 1/5
• Misses sarcasm. 0/5
• Misses social cues and nonverbal communication. 1/5
• Participating in 3-way conversations may be overwhelming. 1/5
• May have difficulty following topic changes. 0/5
Sensory Overload
• Hypersensitive to noise and other sensory stimuli. 4/5. Some noises I find quite irritating: dogs barking, babies crying (especially on transportation), people talking on their phones in public places, people listening to music in closed places, and snoring. I find it quite irritating and often ask people to turn their devices off.
• Experiences anxiety from being mentally trapped in a sensory assault. 1/5
• Overwhelmed from hearing unwanted conversations. 2/5. I am not very tolerant of conspiracy theories or conversations that show little intelligence. It irritates me when people talk loudly and one can hear everything they say.
• Overwhelmed by too much information. 0/5
• Coping with electronics and filling out forms may cause anxiety. 1/5
• Sensory overload makes it impossible to think or focus. 3/5
• Difficulty listening to the radio or talking with others while driving. 0/5
Emotional Traits
• Unable to feel emotion. 3/5
• Has physiological responses instead of emotions. 4/5
• Processes emotions intellectually. 5/5 I intellectualize social decisions. Whenever I have a social decision to make, I initially almost always make the wrong one. Usually, that implies being overly honest, giving the facts about a situation, and stating something socially inappropriate, sometimes in a rude, inconsiderate way. This has gotten me into all sorts of trouble. I have written many emails that caused a lot of grief and irritation in neurotypicals. I then ruminate about my mistakes – often for years. This is a very destructive habit.
I have since learned to give at least 24 hours before I send these emails, or more often now, don’t send them at all. By taking a day, I can reroute my message through the emotional right side of my brain and arrive at a better way to deal with my frustrations or annoyance. I’m sure this will make me a happier person.
• Anxiety bypasses the intellect to warn of unprocessed emotions. 1/5
• Incapable of experiencing fear. 4/5. I have little fear and will do almost anything. I do try to evaluate risk. For example, I ride scooters a lot when I travel but they are easy to drive and don’t go very fast. I would never ride a motorcycle, it is simply too high a risk. But I will go to almost any country or region of the world with little concern. I evaluate the risk and don’t go to the truly dangerous places (where foreigners aren’t allowed anyway). I once applied to MSF to volunteer and offered to go to the worst places they had.
• Can be angry without knowing so. 4/5. Not only has some of my social behaviour been “deviant” but I also have had a significant problem with anger. I get easily irritated and it doesn’t take much for me to raise my voice making me sound angry. Inside I didn’t feel angry, simply frustrated. The literature explains that anger results from a loss of control of the situation. At the behest of my partners, I had “anger management” counselling three times, never with any change in my behaviour.
This is what ended most of my relationships with women and is easily the most destructive part of my behaviour. Getting angry did not validate what they said, and instead implied a lack of respect, or that I didn’t like them, no less love them. That is a sure way to negatively impact a relationship and usually starts the downhill spiral to the end of those relationships.
• Never (or rarely) cries or laughs. 1/5. I frequently cry in movies and think I have a ready laugh.
• Cannot nurture self psychologically. 1/5
• Shrinks from emotional displays by others. 4/5
• Unable to defend against emotional attacks. 5/5. I am the worst arguer. I have difficulty organizing my thoughts when in a verbal confrontation. Most often, I try to end the argument by simply saying “fuck off’.
Temperament
• Drawn more strongly to certain things than to people. 3/5
• Innate forthrightness tends to scare others. 4/5
• Never bored, always engaged in some mental activity. 5/5. I am unable to sit and do nothing as I guess I get bored easily. I get stressed if there is nothing to read or I don’t have my Kindle (I have two subscriptions on it and always have something to read). As a result, I am virtually never without something to occupy myself, usually my Kindle, a book to read or something to do like write on my website.
• Consistent with daily routines, agitated if the routine is disrupted. 1/5
• Spontaneity is not possible, activities must be pre-planned. 1/5. With travel, one must be open to changes of plans which seem to happen daily. I am open to almost any experience and readily adapt my day.
• Cannot lie spontaneously, can tell only premeditated lies. 4/5. I rarely think of lying spontaneously.
SOME TRAITS NOT MENTIONED ABOVE
Disregard for authority
If things don’t make common sense – as many rules don’t, I don’t seem to have a problem with flaunting them. With traffic lights that are active in the middle of the night without a car in sight, I will cross on red lights. I love to jaywalk – it gets you across a street much faster and doesn’t stop traffic by activating traffic lights. If there is no traffic, I walk against “No walk” lights.
When driving a camper van 200,000 km around Europe in 2018-19, I slept anywhere and everywhere, despite it being illegal to “wild camp” in several countries. I didn’t pay for accommodation once in two years sleeping in my van for over 750 nights. Obtaining showers was easily my most difficult thing, and I had “sleuth” showers in a wide variety of places: campgrounds, marinas, sports centers, universities, sports clubs, and my best, the clubhouse at St. Andrews Golf Course in Scotland. In my 37 trips to the desert southwest of the USA, I have also sleuth camped almost everywhere.
Evidence-based logical thinking.
I think I have lots of great ideas, usually based on logic and common sense.
A recent example was when Covid-19 was in its early stages in March 2020. Using my knowledge base as a rural family physician, I made several very active predictions:
As coronaviruses are respiratory viruses (like influenza, the common cold, and measles), it seemed logical that spread would be by aerosol and masks become the method of prevention of spread, not surface contamination. Indoors with no air movement would result in much more spread than outdoors (an increase of 18X). Restaurants, bars, and nightclubs would be the main spreading “venues). I criticized restricting outdoor activity and stay-at-home rules. I thought lockdowns would be economically destructive and do little in the long run to prevent the worldwide spread of such a transmissible virus. RNA viruses mutate frequently, and I predicted that COVID-19 would have many mutations that would increase transmissibility, but few that changed the base code and affected the immune response and none that increased death rates (Delta strain has been the only exception). With 70 research centres developing vaccines on 6 platforms (some completely new and innovative like messenger RNA), I predicted we would have a vaccine by September (Russia had one in August and all the common vaccines were developed by September) and that people would be able to get jabs by December (the previous “fastest” vaccine was measles that took 4 years to develop, polio took 20 years). When everyone thought herd immunity would be possible with 70%, it seemed that with the speed of transmission all over the world, 90% was more reasonable (the same rate as measles). It seemed illogical that children didn’t get COVID-19 and were not superspreaders as they are in influenza (they had such high symptomatic rates of disease and were tested minimally). The main culprits of transmissibility would be young adults who had no fear of getting COVID-19 and spent a lot of time in close quarters in bars and nightclubs.
I was wrong that contact tracing and apps would be the only way to prevent spread. These failed because measures were not instituted early enough and after a certain critical mass of infections, being able to do it efficiently has proven difficult and impractical. I would have made apps on smartphones mandatory (the only way to contact trace, record tests, and vaccinations) but there would be unfounded concerns of invasion of privacy and violating the Charter of Rights issues. Read all about my predictions at http://www.ronperrier.net/2020/04/12/covid-19/ posted on April 12th but written in March. I wrote so many newspapers and politicians (Bonny Henry, PM Trudeau) that I finally gave up and was only published once (Vitoria Times Colonist Nov 24, 2020).
Asperger’s people have the potential to become innovators in their field of interest precisely because they were constitutionally unable to take things on faith. The ability to see things and events around them from a new point of view has been crucial in advancing scientific knowledge. This ability can in favourable cases lead to exceptional achievements which others may never attain. Abstraction ability is a prerequisite for scientific endeavours.
This distinctive cluster of aptitudes, skills, attitudes, and abilities can be grouped together and labelled autistic intelligence.
To close friends I justified my inappropriateness by saying “Try living in my brain” hoping for some understanding and empathy. But I don’t think they understood or accepted this rationalization. “Aren’t you capable of changing? You are just using that as an excuse.” They would counter with “If you really wanted, it should be easy to do something about it if you tried.”
Not understanding what I was doing, I didn’t know what to change and accepted it was out of my control, although as I understand more and more about why I behave the way I do, control seems achievable. That is a very freeing and exciting thought.
Despite being a social disaster, I still love myself. I love my curiosity about the world and want to understand how things work, my drive to excel at whatever I put my mind to, and my ability to write factual reports using a paucity of words. Even if I could (to be socially accomplished), I do not want to change my Asperger’s strengths. Others with neurological deviant brains, like ADHD and dyslexia, also feel this way. Being wired differently has advantages we don’t want to give up.
PASSIONS
With whatever interests me, I become intensely passionate about it. I became very good at several things: playing bridge (the most difficult and complex game in the world), photography, golf, hiking, travelling the world, and my website. With all but hiking, I eventually reached my “tipping point and quit. I have not played competitive bridge for 25 years. I quit playing golf 22 years ago. I have now not taken a photograph for 16 years.
Medicine. Even though I am quite different from the average person, those differences have several advantages, none of which I was going to my brain is unusually a great advantage in my chosen profession. The Asperger’s brain is ideally suited for medicine, as the best doctors practice on evidence-based, scientific facts. When those don’t exist, common sense and logic come to the fore. I may not have had the best bedside manner but I attracted patients who appreciated me for my knowledge and how I approached their health. A good bedside manner was not one of my strengths.
Travel. After travelling in my first 100 countries, 193 seemed a reasonable goal. I had already travelled for twelve years and had no other goals. I had lost all homesickness and now would rather be on the road instead of in my beautiful apartment on Vancouver Island. With more money than I could spend, time, and energy, it all seemed natural. It would be easy.
No fear. Having little fear, I will do almost anything. In wanting to go to the worst, most difficult countries, fear never crossed my mind. It seemed natural to go to North Korea in 2015. I was on my first trip to China and all access to North Korea is via Beijing. Despite having no freedom, it is still one of my best travel experiences. In 2019, going to Iran and Syria was nothing out of the ordinary. After spending over 18, rather boring months at home because of covid, I wrote itineraries for 23 countries, combining countries in close proximity to each other. When it was possible to visit all, I would see that group. I left home on July 14, just when the delta strain of COVID was becoming the dominant strain everywhere.
Pakistan, Bangladesh, the seven Northeast states of India, Yemen, and Saudi Arabia would finish Asia, Libya and Algeria, the north of Africa, and the few remaining countries in west Africa I had missed on my first trip – Gambia, Guinea Bissau, Equatorial Guinea, and Sao Tome Principe – none normal travel destinations and all with their difficulties. While in the neighbourhood, I hoped to see some of the most challenging. The Sahel is rife with Islamic terrorists. Timbuktu, Gao, and Dogon country in Mali (I had already been to the safe part around Bamako, the capital), Burkina Faso, Niger, Chad, and the Central African Republic, all had potential risks. No worries. Eritrea, Somalia, and South Sudan were planned for my last year of travel on an overland journey from Cairo to Cape Town.
FAMILY
Both my grandparents homesteaded in the Province of Saskatchewan. The Canada Homestead Act gave 140 acres to anyone who broke the land. They had a hard life.
The Paternal Perrier side
The original Perrier came to Canada in 1664 and I am a 10th-generation Canadian on that lineage.
All my grandparents homesteaded on the Canadian prairies of southern Saskatchewan.
Albert and the family moved permanently to southern Saskatchewan and the family grew to 10, five boys and five girls. All my grandmother’s brothers and four of the boys were alcoholics. There must be a Y chromosome link. My grandfather thought an intelligent, strong-willed, and competent guy. He was one of my idols as a child.
My father was the third child and oldest boy. He quit school after grade 8 to work in a coal mine and even spent one summer in Montana working. He served the entire WWII stationed on Vancouver Island.
My mother was a school teacher and taught most of the younger Perrier children. They married in 1945 and my oldest brother was born in that year. My father worked as an elevator agent and we moved at age two to Glentworth, Saskatchewan, a tiny village of 100 at the eastern end of what is now Grasslands National Park.
My middle brother was born in 1950 and me in 1952.
We grew up as free-range children. The house we lived in had no running water or electricity until 1959. My father erected a giant antenna so that we could have TV. I started grade one in a room with grades one to three combined. My mother was my teacher in grade 2.
I always was a good student and found learning anyway – visually, hands-on, or through reading – easy.
The Maternal Strand side
My grandfather Sven Strand immigrated from Norway in 1912 to the Maple Creek area of southwest Saskatchewan. He got his homestead in about 1915, lived in a sod shack for the first year, and married my grandmother, Nancy Devonshire in 1916. She had emigrated to Canada from England in 1913 to be a governess at a ranch near Maple Creek. Both of them, and especially my mother, were very bright. The eldest of 5 children, she graduated from grade 12, went to Normal School in Regina, and had her first posting at ? the closest school to the Perrier farm. This was all through the Depression when times were hard.
Asperger’s syndrome in my family. Asperger syndrome is inherited through a complex number of genetic factors. Many high-functioning Asperger people have a good family history of genius coupled with poorly functioning social skills.
The following is purely conjecture but reasonable assumptions based on the personalities of some of my relatives. There is no family history of genius. All led relatively ordinary lives achieving relatively ordinary goals.
There is no evidence of Asperger’s in my paternal Perrier side including virtually all my 32 cousins. Besides a crippling history of alcoholism in all but one of the second-generation men, the Perriers were all socially active people.
My maternal Strand side however is an entirely different story. Both my grandparents were intelligent and left Europe at a young age to pursue a completely different life on the prairies of Canada. I don’t understand all the economic factors, but they were not unusual as millions of Europeans at the time immigrated to North America before the First World War. Both were social “loners” without a network of friends. That repeated itself with my mother. Very bright, and she was universally liked by everyone, but I never remember any “friends” and we never had friends come to our house. One family who also lived in Glentworth, had left the year before us, had children the same ages as us, and were friends that we remained in contact with for years.
Other than with relatives (almost all Perriers), both my parents had a limited friend network. Her brother, the oldest boy of the five children, exhibited all the signs of having Asperger’s syndrome. He was very shy and a loner all his life. I have one nephew who exhibits all the signs. And I have a son who also fits the bill, although he has no understanding of any of it. I am the only one who has seemed to have discovered his Asperger’s background.
CHILDHOOD & EDUCATION.
Both my parents grew up during the Depression. This left an indelible mark on their personalities. Food was very important. They both had a strong work ethic, possibly the most pronounced thing I gained from them.
I was an exceptionally quiet, shy kid. Seeing little future in Glentworth, my mother got a teaching job in Medicine Hat and we moved there in 1960. I eventually graduated from Medicine Hat High School in 1970 when I was 17.
During my first year in the “Hat”, in grade 3, I can only remember crying a lot. The teacher must have taken pity on me and I had the starring role as a groom in the Christmas play “Wedding of the Flowers” (my future wife was the bride in the same play but in the other grade 3 class). In grade 4, the teacher made us sing in front of the class to test our voices. As a result, I was instructed to only mouth the words and not utter a note (I believe I am a monotone, tone-deaf individual). We never had music in our house.
In grade 5, my teacher told my mother about my IQ and I have known it since. I thought it should have been higher, but I applied myself to school completely. I read over 40 books in that grade, and despite reading the most number of books, I still didn’t get the prize as another girl read more “difficult” books.
Like my brothers, I played hardball in a league in the summer and hockey in the school leagues throughout elementary school and junior high. Most years I was on the city all-star teams. I had a very strong arm but only the coach’s kid got to pitch. My father loved to tell me how much better an athlete my brother Dennis was.
My relationship with my parents was quite different that my brothers. My oldest brother was 7 years older and had a very special relationship with my mother. She raised him alone until he was three and he developed a special relationship with the Perrier aunts and uncles that I never did. He was also a good student. He had left home for university when I was ten and I feel I never really knew him. By the time I went to the same university, he had his master’s and had left for the US to get his Ph.D. He always lived a long way away.
My other brother, just two years older was a very active kid, had a severe stutter, and found school difficult. As a result, he was much more demanding and seemed to get a lot more attention.
I needed little encouragement at anything and, as an adult, came to resent the lack of it, especially from my mother. I felt I did not get the coaching and advice I needed from either parent. This has become especially apparent to me since discovering my Asperger’s diagnosis. Some basic guidance in social situations would have helped me a lot.
My mother had an unusual parenting style. She led by example and I can’t remember being told to do anything, certainly not do my homework or study. Going to university was only natural and medicine was the best career I could ever have picked. Except for one cousin, my brothers and I were easily the best educated of my 40 or so cousins. A strong work ethic may have been my parent’s greatest legacy.
I now believe that my mother didn’t particularly like me either. Even as an adult, I can’t remember her showing much interest in my life. Whenever we talked, she never seemed to validate anything I said. She always changed the subject immediately back to my brothers, who she was much closer to. She was very disappointed when I divorced my wife. My mom may have been a better mother to her than her own.
I excelled at school and usually stood first until I went to a much larger junior high school attended by all children on the south side of the South Saskatchewan River.
Despite coming home with almost all As, one of the most disappointing things in my life was never getting a comment from my mother. My parents were careful not to say much good about you, and I never heard even “good job” from my mom. Having a “swelled head” was frowned on in the Perrier family. After grade 5, I gave my mother my report cards and promptly left. All the other kids seemed to get money for good grades. I couldn’t stand it.
I also never remember being told by my parents “I love you”. This wasn’t done in those days. One had to develop your own ego consciousness.
The only thing valued seemed to be finishing all the food put on your plate. I was an impossibly slow eater and often remember sitting at the table an hour after everyone else had finished, chewing each mouthful endlessly. The penalty for not finishing everything was having to sit in the corner. The only time I was told “good boy” was after finishing eating and it is no wonder, I developed a weight problem later in life.
My father was a strict disciplinarian. Luckily, I got the least of it. My dad liked to take you downstairs, take off his belt, and beat your bare behind. The last good licking I remember was after being 10 minutes late for dinner. I sometimes think some of my anger issues stemmed from him, but in retrospect, I think it has much more to do with Asperger’s.
It took many years to finally realize that your parents did the best job they knew how to and finally abandoned the resentment. It was a crucial learning moment in my life. Being angry about things like this gets you nowhere.
Through grades 8 to 12, I continued being one of the top students. I excelled at everything but English where I barely managed a C+. I had already decided in grade 10 that I wanted to go into medicine. I tutored many other kids in math and other sciences. In grade 12, out of over 500 students in my grade, I stood 4th. To get there I often had the best marks in non-English subjects – maths and sciences were my saviours. I loved doing all the questions at the back of each chapter. However, I was left off the Reach For The Top team (province-wide TV quiz shows). I think my teachers realized my behaviour might have not been the best.
In grades 11 and 12, I organized a protest group to further the agenda of students. Our first goal was to allow girls to wear jeans. I was placed on a district-wide advisory group that met with the school board.
In all my school years, I can only remember missing school once. That was in grade 2 when I was home for 2 weeks with chickenpox. You could hardly say I missed school as my mother was my grade 2 teacher. I never skipped a class once. The only dreams I remember concentrated around missing school or not being prepared for an exam, although that never happened. I was always prepared.
I slowly, but only partially wedged my way into the popular group of kids. I dated one of the most popular girls for grade 10. My grade 12 girlfriend with whom I went to graduation, eventually (after a few years of separation), became my wife.
I have always played a lot of tennis. Although not a great athlete then, I played high school football for one year. I was easily the worst player on the team. It doesn’t work well in football when you don’t like to get hit. I was supposedly the second quarterback but only was on the field for one play the whole year. Understandably, that sport didn’t last long. But I was in the best physical condition of my life.
I went to the badminton provincials representing Medicine Hat on the fifth of eight tiers.
I also drank a lot of alcohol. Our bootlegger was the owner of the pool hall where we all hung out every Saturday. I had many blackouts. The legal age for buying alcohol dropped to 18 on virtually my 18th birthday during my first year at university. It was my first time away from home and it wasn’t pretty. But I rarely drank after that year and have been a virtual tea-totaler since. I switched to marijuana.
The first Asperger’s behaviour I remember was in grade 12. I was on a debating team that was videotaped to be shown to the rest of the grade. I inappropriately stuck my tongue inside my cheek when my opponents spoke. The results were catastrophic. Things went downhill from there.
In my first year of university, I lived on the 6th floor of an 11-floor student residence. I didn’t make any friends but more than a few enemies. I did crazy things like collect glass balls from fire escapes. One night I completely dismantled another wing’s bathroom and put it in my room. It was hard to deny that I had done it. I was eventually disciplined and banned from student residences forever. Whenever I had to make a social decision, it was the wrong one.
Over the next two years, I lived with other Medicine Hat students, first in a house and then in a university housing residence. I have no friends from those experiences. In retrospect, I’m sure I showed lots of Asperger’s behaviour. I also lost track of all my high school friends.
But I still had great study habits and succeeded in getting into medical school, even though my English marks dropped my average by a whole stanine. I stood 14th out of 120 in my second year of medicine, the last year class standing was used. I found medical school very easy. Evidence-based science is ideally suited to the Asperger’s mind. Medicine was the perfect education and job I could have chosen. It allowed me to be my own boss. I don’t think I could have ever dealt with having a boss as few people bring the intensity I do to a job.
Medical school was likewise a social disaster. In first-year anatomy, I inappropriately demanded to do all the dissecting in our four-person cadaver group. Over the four years, I had only one consistent friend and now have none. We sat in the front row of every class. I didn’t bother attending my graduation ceremony. It had no meaning to me. I never attended any of the class reunions, hearing about them only after they had already occurred.
In the summers between all 6 years of university, I had great summer jobs that started virtually the day I got home and ended the day before I returned. I had a great work ethic, possibly the greatest thing I learned from my parents. For several summers, I worked for the school board watering the grass at night. My best job was as a brakeman for the CPR making great money and not having to do much on the fast track between Medicine Hat, Calgary, and Swift Current, Saskatchewan. I now am amazed that kids expect to have a holiday during their summers between school.
In my second year of medicine, I re-met my high school girlfriend, we got pregnant and had our first child. Having to deal with only one person was a saviour for my personality.
Being part of the Boomer generation was also one of my lucky life events. We had access to cheap education, the best job opportunities, and easy access to homeownership. Despite paying for 100% of my entire education, I managed to leave university with minimal debt. Those were the days of cheap universities and good jobs. We possibly are one of the last generations more well-off than our parents.
Final year medical exams were conducted over 5 days. My wife and daughter went back to the Hat for a month so that I could study with no distractions. Studying for more than a few hours a day was all I could handle. The rest of the time, I smoked a lot of dope and played hearts much more than I studied, usually through the night. We had always played a lot of cards at home, and it was a natural progression to play bridge, another game ideally suited to the Asperger’s mind.
I tried to be the first out of the exam room and usually succeeded. I also took the first two parts of the National Boards, the US qualifying exams. Part 1 was basic sciences, taken four years previously and I found them unbelievably difficult. These may have been the worst exam results of my life. However Canadian medical school prepared me much better than my American counterparts.
I interned at the Royal Jubilee Hospital in Victoria. It was the last year you could practice with only a one-year rotating internship. We had our second child while there. I was not popular with any of my fellow interns and again formed no lasting friendships. I loved the climate in Victoria and that may be why it was natural to move to Vancouver Island in 2010.
Friends. I have had few lasting friendships and have none from high school, university, or internship. However, in Castlegar, I made good friendships, initially based on our common love for hiking. I met my one long-lasting friend as a patient and we hiked together regularly for over 30 years. Through him, I made another long-lasting friendship. I organized Labour Day trips over the 4-day long weekend at the beginning of September for at least 13 years. A group of 4 or 5 annually picked a place and had a great time – in the mountains of the West Kootenay, the Rockies, and even a few trips to southern Utah. I regularly phone and email my one-lasting friend.
When one of my best friends met a new (Chinese) partner, I never heard from him again. This was one of the great disappointments of my life. Oriental women have caused all sorts of grief in my life, including both my son’s wives.
Surprisingly with my bad history with Oriental women, I have a 6-year-long excellent relationship with a young Chinese woman who lives in China. Unfortunately, the China passport is very restrictive. I have been to China five times and we have traveled together on three occasions. And now for 3 years, China is also very restrictive on citizens leaving their country. She does not control her passport which is retained by her employer. It is only possible to have two-week vacations and at least 4 signatures are required to do even that. Although we chat frequently online, I doubt that I will ever see her again.
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ESTRANGEMENT
I am estranged from an extraordinary number of my close relatives and even one of my long-time best friends. I have always been surprised how easily some people are offended by one interaction, and then cancel me from their life. I rationalize the ease of their decision is based on the fact that they have never liked me in the first place, and use any excuse to erase you.
At least three have oriental spouses who have been the source of the animosity. I understand that their allegiance is first to their partner, but don’t understand that they do not attempt personal contact.
Many people when they retire turn their entire existence either to dogs or their grandchildren or often both. They bend over backward to further that relationship and rarely speak their mind to their grandchildren.
The generation of my grandparents never doted on us or made any effort to develop special relationships with their grandchildren. My grandfather Perrier had no problem telling you when you were out of line. I respected him a great deal – he is one of my role models. I remember more than a few tongue lashings. Admittedly, he had 32 grandchildren, but they spent several months every winter staying at our house. They liked my mother.
I will give some details of these relationships to show how Asperger’s thinking is logic-based and often produces conflict unintentionally.
My brother’s wife. I first met her when I was an immature 17-year-old during my first year of university, and since then, she has shown unrelenting hostility to me. I don’t remember what I said, but, now over 50 years later, I have not been forgiven, no matter how hard I have tried to be nice. Her face becomes a scowl when we meet in person.
My last interaction with Beth occurred today (as I write this in Jan 2022). I am in Guyana, where Beth’s family comes from (and I believe where she was born), and asked with some curiosity about when her family left Guyana and why. Her reply was via my brother “Beth doesn’t want you to know anything about her family”. OMG, the abuse continues.
I have finally given up on any attempt at reconciliation, hate her equally, and refuse any contact. Avoidance is the only way for me to deal with the always uncomfortable situations that arise.
My middle son. After I burned him out hiking when he was 10, and he took up fishing, we seem to not see eye to eye on anything. The estrangement started after he married a Canadian-born Chinese woman.
At their wedding, her parents did not say one word to me. I assumed they didn’t speak English after having been in Canada for 25 years (a real possibility in Vancouver with a 50% Chinese population). They served shark fin soup. Subsequently, I may have made a few mistakes.
When helping to renovate my other son’s apartment, I rolled my eyes at her painting.
My son is a chef and wanted to go to expensive restaurants whenever I came to Vancouver. I wanted to cook at home. One time, she totally lost her cool with her eldest child over what I considered normal behaviour for a one-year-old, and I made an offhand comment about the occurrence to my son. The next time I was in Vancouver, at dinner time, I ended up eating at a nearby restaurant. My last contact after spending an afternoon with my son and my two grandchildren was when my grandson was an infant. My son started cooking a fabulous Mexican meal at 5 pm, my daughter-in-law appeared for the last 30 minutes of the day (a great avoidance technique) and I was out the door at 6 pm. I had been told the visit was only to last from noon to 6.
For many reasons seemingly only logical to me, I did not attend my grandson’s first birthday party, and since (now 9 years later), she banned me from any contact with my only two grandchildren. I again take consolation that my lovely daughter has also been banned. She likewise has no contact with her brother.
I have made several attempts at reconciliation. One involved having to apologize to her for being prejudiced against the Chinese before visiting. Seeing as I am not prejudiced against Chinese (I’ve travelled to China five times, actually like Chinese and for many years had a Chinese girlfriend who lives in China), instead of kowtowing (like many non-Asperger’s grandparents would do), I didn’t apologize and that visit was cancelled. Not surprisingly, my son eventually divorced her.
A subsequent attempt at meeting ended up in one of the most unpleasant phone conversations of my life. He brought up all the same issues from a previous phone call eight years ago, especially since I am estranged from so many other relatives. He said some of the most inconsiderate, rude, and hateful things based on his view of me. I then cancelled him from my life.
I am sure he also has Asperger’s but doesn’t know it. Hopefully, he will read this book.
My other son’s (Japanese) wife. We got along well until I was involved in the renovation of a massive duplex they had purchased as a money-making scheme in North Vancouver. I had committed two weeks to help them. I worked 16-hour days. She contributed nothing to the effort. I painted a ceiling with the colour she wanted. When finished, she informed me it was the wrong colour. I said, “That is f**king ridiculous”. I was forced to leave and the hate started.
One year, on my way to Burning Man, I stopped in San Francisco where they live hoping to spend a nice afternoon with my son. I wasn’t allowed in their apartment and we spent one hour at a fast-food restaurant. I was very disappointed. He does not attempt to see me when he comes to Canada. He makes no contact on my birthday, Father’s Day, or Christmas.
Even though we had gotten along well, I had stopped phoning him on his birthday. I can always logically cancel people from my life if treated badly. Before Christmas 2021, I emailed him in an attempt to revitalize our relationship. He wrote a very thoughtful email back. But despite my attempts to reconcile with his wife, I was left with “she wants nothing to do with you.” Oh well.
My older brother. He is seven years older and I have never really known him. In a post on my website called “Keys to Financial Success,” I commented “Just as I didn’t learn how to function in a marriage or taught how to raise children, I didn’t learn good financial habits from my parents”. He lost it and demanded the statement be removed. It appeared to conflict with his very different views. He certainly had a different relationship with our mother than me – and as a result, quite a different upbringing. I have not talked to him since.
My best friend. After his first wife died, he became involved with a Chinese woman. I made a comment about hiking and personal responsibility in the wilderness to which she was offended. For the last six years of his life, he made no contact with me. For someone who has few friends, I value the few I have had. I was deeply hurt. I couldn’t understand why what I had said was so damaging.
Canadian Chinese Women. Universally, they have been a bane in my life – from the above, my second son’s Chinese wife, my third son’s Japanese wife (not Chinese but Japanese and seems to share similar ways of reacting to me), my best friend’s new partner, a travel companion from Vancouver who cancelled me for being rude when I finally lost it with a tout in Mali (he wanted to sell me a knife that I had never expressed interest in, I politely said “no thank-you” six times” and then loudly said “No”. She never talked to me again as she felt sorry for all these poor people and thought her relationship with them was more important than one with me). And finally a Vancouver “big” traveller who organized tours through seven West Africa countries, all of which I joined. She ended up trying to scam me and my travel mates on several of the trips, amazingly found guides as dishonest as her, and was exposed on travel groups like the FB group, Every Passport Stamp from which she had been ejected for financial receiving benefit for organization.
They are all completely intolerant and overly sensitive – one comment and they react and then never can forgive. The two most significant are my two son’s wives who have destroyed my relationships with them. I understand that the relationship with their wives takes precedence, but mine seems to mean nothing. These women had no empathy for how they had affected the relationship with their husband’s father.
My other brother. We have always been close. He likewise has decided to spend his entire retirement developing a special relationship with his three grandchildren and moved to southern Ontario where his children live.
When I travel, he emails me about three times a year “Where are you now?” He never reads my Travelogue on my website which is up to date almost to the day. I phone him and we can get caught up in each other’s life.
He has very left-wing political thinking and started to talk about his favourite author, one of Bill Clinton’s cabinet. He started to espouse the idea of a guaranteed income for all. Why should he and his wife get an income supplement when they have a healthy pension? I suggested that it was not affordable for any government. These ideas of equality for all have not worked in any society. There are always slackards who don’t contribute equally. Despite the elite and politicians having privilege, the ambitious get no reward for their hard work and these societies eventually fall apart.
I suggested that a better goal might be a minimum wage on which people could live. He disagreed and we were unable to reach a consensus.
I asked him how he maintained knowledge about the world. He does not have cable TV to watch news channels and gets no subscriptions to any informed magazines because they cost too much and are biased in his view. He listens to CBC radio (free) and feels that keeps him completely abreast of the world. I suggested that he start to read the Economist and gave him my access password. He said the Economist was biased. After not being able to get a word in edgewise, I finally hung up the phone. He wrote two emails discussing bias to which I could see no value in responding. Hopefully, we will reconcile.
My Cousins. I have many cousins but none have ever visited me where I live.
Strande side. 9 cousins, 2 dead with whom I had no relationship, 5 in one family that I haven’t seen for 58 years, 2 in one family, one of whom I see occasionally (and may have the best relationship with of any of my cousins).
Perrier side. Over the years, I have been to Assiniboia twice and saw several who live nearby. In 2021, on my return drive from Eastern Canada, I made one of my trips to Assiniboia, saw another cousin who lives nearby, and then stopped in Calgary to see the 4 cousins who live there.
When I was in Stockholm in August 2019, one of my cousins was there at the same time. I made two attempts to meet but she had other things to do.
When I started to travel in July 2021, I posted about several of the islands I had visited (Azores, Cape Verde, Madeira, Canary Islands, Mallorca) giving a summary of information about my visits, as I would have for the FB group, Every Passport Stamp, but no photos (I don’t take pictures). I was surprised that I only got one ‘like’ from all my FB cousin friends.
In September 2021, I received a surprise phone call on Messenger in the middle of the night from a cousin who has lived in Australia since a teenager. He is the closest in age to me and is an artist. We talked for about 2 hours and since have emailed several times. He told me that all the cousins had given up hope in me.
